Goodbye, and Good riddance...

Goodbye 2009. I won't miss you. This was the worst year of my life, marking the disintegration of my marriage after 13 years.
I spent the first part of New Year's Eve tonight with my daughters, making pizza, drinking sparkling pink lemonade, and watching a Netflix movie ('Bolt'). It was nice. I love my daughters, and I think I'm a good dad, especially when I'm with them and my soon-to-be-ex is not.
We were supposed to split the night, where to ex-SO would go to the neighborhood shindig (a progressive dinner/drink-fest), and then at 10, she'd come home and I'd go out. I'd have gone to the neighborhood shindig (I like my neighbors a lot), but I don't want to live a lie, and pretend that I'm with someone when I'm not. I'd rather go to a party and be the only single guy there (which is what ended up happening) than lie to others and myself.

She came home at 10 (actually just before), but pretty loaded already, and decided that since she was just going to be next door, it would be ok to leave them. I had my misgivings, both because I hated the idea of them waking up and needing a parent and not finding one, and also because by that time I was thinking, "you know, I don't really need to go out tonight, it might not be such a good idea".
But, I went out anyway, to my friends Darren and Mary's NYE party. It was nice seeing people and getting out, but after midnight, it brought home the square pegness of all this. Going from "married" to "single", when most friends are paired up sucks. You look around and realize you're the odd one out, and it stinks. It's a lonely, lonely feeling. So, I went home after just a couple hours, cold sober, and feeling blue.

"Kid A" on the stereo.

I got home, and the door from the garage was locked. Strange.
I came in, the dogs were locked outside in the yard. Even stranger.
Then I noticed the vomit on the floor (but only after I let the dogs in, and one dog went to town licking up the vomit).
Uh oh.
Went upstairs to what used to be my bedroom. Door locked. I unlocked it, and my ex-SO was passed out. I think it was a pretty rough night for her.

I'm glad I came home, since there's no way she could be of any help to the kids, if they needed it (which they likely won't). Plus, the dogs would've been pretty unhappy locked out all night.
I'll be interested in hearing the story tomorrow...

Today, I ruined my childrens' lives...

Today, I ruined my childrens' lives.
I didn't beat them, molest them, do drugs in front of them, or anything like that.
Today, I told them that my wife and I are getting a divorce. I feel like shit. I told them that the best days of my life were the days when they were born. This is, without a doubt, the worst day.

I've been to couples therapy for at least 3 years. I've tried my best. I didn't cheat on my wife, and she didn't cheat on me. Neither of us was abusive, or drank a lot, or anything like that. I think the worst thing you can pin on me is that I'm kind of slacker.
A year ago, my wife told me she didn't think she loved me, and didn't think she was attracted to me any more. I thought that day was the worst day of my life, and at the time, it was. This is worse. This is bringing hurt to someone who has no idea what's going on, or why their parents would ever break up. This sucks. This is taking two innocent children's lives, and throwing them up in the air like tossed salad, and letting the leaves fly where-ever. As much as I thought I'd moved on from my relationship with my estranged wife (and I guess I'll have to get used to that term, estranged), I guess I wasn't prepared for the impact of having to tell my kids.

Ugh. Happy holidays.